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Since it is expensive to see a psychologist, might as well use this blog as a free platform for coping mechanism :D
So, I am the kind of person who tried not to self diagnosed on my mental condition. I know I have a very severe anxiety, that's it. But a few days ago, a friend contact me and said that they reads my post. They asked if I am okay, because what I wrote on my blog is exactly the kind of thing they wrote when they was diagnosed with depression by their therapist a few years ago.
My first response was to smile, you know the kind of smile and awkward laugh when you are screwed. Afterwards, they tell me their story and what they felt and think at that time. And I felt like I want to laugh so hard, because I can relate, because that's also what I feel right at this moment, because shi*t I can't afford to have a breakdown now.
But why did all this happen? I am not someone with a dark childhood or a sad background story. A lot of people have it worse, that's why I always think that I don't deserve to feel depressed when I have it easy my entire life.
I am raised by parent who love me so much, but not towards each other. They are kind, I was the subject of a few beating and screaming but that's it, normal childhood. But maybe growing up with someone who don't trust each other and just stay together because of obligation, do screw with my mentality.
I don't want to attract other's attention, but want to be the center of attention at the same time. I don't trust people. I have friends, but I am always preparing for the time they left me for their other friend, prepare that they will one day disappear. I don't share my feelings, because deep down I always think of their attention, kindness and help are all fake, that it's just lip service. that it is very annoying. I don't trust people, but at the same time I want them to trust me, I crave for friendship and I want to heal people. Maybe that is a projection on what I want, I want someone to reach out to me, and heal me. Maybe someone who will say " It's okay if you don't trust me, but I trust you and I will be here.". But you only get what you give, and since I never give genuine care and trust to other people, I will not get it back.
If people ask whether I have close friend, I will answer that I do have close friends. But when I was experiencing my worst day with overwhelming anger and sadness, I don't know who will care enough to comfort me, or who to approach to make me feel better. After all, my friends -like me- are a bunch of misfit with a toddler level social skill. So I end up crying on my bed, or starved myself for a few days while avoiding human interaction until I feel strong enough to control my feelings.
My life so far is a series of one anxiety after another. I overthink a lot. I hate it when I said too much during a conversation, and hate when I didn't day enough. Mulling over my sentences even after everything is over ( a meeting, casual chat). Thus makes me insomniac at night and don't want to wake up the next morning to think it all over again and interact with the world. It's hard to sleep when you hate yourself and kept thinking all you did the whole day are stupid, wrong, and not good enough. It's hard to wake up and think that I will do those mistakes all over again. So I like to be awake at night when people are asleep where there will be no obligation, and I hate to wake up to face those obligation. I am always tired anyway, no matter how much sleep I get, no matter how much rest or vacation.
At work it's even worse. I always felt like what I do are not significant compare to other people. That I am never good enough, should've done better, never quick enough, not as skillful enough, lacking in experience, awkward when dealing with my superiors, slow learner, lacking in critical thinking and creativity, and just a very very bad employer. Compliment from my superior makes me uncomfortable and triggered my anxiety, I feels like after their compliment, things would start to fall apart, that they will finally see my true facade and see the real lazy, anxious and stupid me. That if my performance decrease, they will think it was because I was cocky after being complimented. That I am a complete failure and a fake person. And all that makes my self worth and self confident almost zero, affecting my work.
That's why I reply to email and text very quick (it's also because I feel anxious and need to rid of it, and give myself a sense of accomplishment by doing something tiny).
One of the reason I leave my previous job, I no longer feel the drive to do whatever I do, no drive to work. And like my friend said, the dam will broke when you are in a safe environment. It happens, I have more mood swing and breakdown. There are plenty of time where I have to push myself to be strong so I don't crumble on the floor and cry. Probably this is why Indonesian people doesn't really think about their mental health, because they are busy trying to live and make money, to persevere. Where there is no safe environment for them, the mental breakdown doesn't happen.
To think that leaving my job would make it easier for me to face all the pent up feeling. Oh, I am so wrong. In my case, there will be time when I have to persevere so I have to push myself and neglect my brain who scream for an alone time. For me the breakdown happen when it happens, safe environment be damn when I am overwhelmed.
I just got a new job, two weeks into my job, I suddenly cry after I turned my laptop off. I am just so tired with everything (not the work in particular). Four weeks into my job, I feel so worthless and less than everyone in the organization. Not doing enough, didn't learn fast enough, lazy, incapable, not creative. And that's the worst of all, when you feel like you are on the edge of breaking but you have deadline and work to do. At least when I was jobless I can have a daily breakdown without thinking about work. I feel like I won't be able to meet my boss' expectations.
It doesn't help when at home I am so busy with work and trying to deal with my emotions, that I barely have time to hang out with my parents or help with house chores. I feel like a used, tor plastic bag; useless, eyesore, trash.
So much feelings. So much worry and anxiety piling up this past few months. But I don't think I can afford to face everything now, to see a therapist to sort my feeling out. Maybe in a few years after everything is stable, money and life wise. Because dealing with all this is expensive and will take time, which both I don't have. So let's bottle up this feelings for the next few years, and deal with it when I can afford it.
Cheers,