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This last few months I was in a very confusing place. I feel like I lost interest in so many things, feels so insignificant and feel like I am less than other people around me. I feel like I need to find my own place. But this last few months is also a time when I am trying to make sense of those feelings by crying a lot and talk to my friends. People who I thought already achieve their goal in life.
Long story short, I mention that 'if I find a PhD position, I would like to apply and do a PhD' in the conversation. And boom, the next day, there is an opening for a PhD positions for Indonesian researcher. What is the universe trying to tell me??
So, like any sane people, I panicked. For five whole minutes I am sure that I want to do it. But I know that I need advise, so I seek for advise. I email my bosses, Skype with my friends and text them. And here I will tell you what I learned.
The question is: Should I do a PhD? Do you think I am ready?
The answer:
1. Yes. I think by doing a PhD I will finally found my own place, find where I belong and finally I can be good at something, have an expertise and be an expert on something.
2. Yes. I have enough experience with field work. I think I can handle it. Well, it will be rough and full of tears, but what's new eh?
3. No. Think about it, it's a 4 years commitment (maybe more), it will be a lonely road, away from friends and family. Sacrificing your family time for field work/writing. Is it worth it?
4. No. In Indonesia, if you are not PNS (work for the government) or a lecturer, you won't find a place to work, you will be overqualified and probably will have to work abroad.
5. No. I might not graduate. Because there are people who decide that PhD are not for them, during their PhD! And I might be that person.
6. Yes and No. I love learning about something new, experimenting and such. But my time management is still bad, need to read more, need to learn more. Never enough time.
There are people who are sure I can do it, but more people tell me to reconsider and really think about it. I mean, it's not like I am sure I would get the position, but what I learn this past few months is I need to be ready for any 'YES'es and 'NO's in life.
Even until last year I am super sure that I want to do a PhD. But, life just getting harder since last year I started to rethink what I want.
To sum up? I really don't know. Maybe one day I'll do it. How about you? What do you think?
Cheers, ❤️